I had to go to drivers training class this week. Do you remember this from high school? This is the class where they show you the 1950's government films of people getting dragged by their cars for failing to unleash their seatbelts before giving the keys to the valet. Or something like that. Okay, I don't exactly remember the plot, but I DO remember that you got to barf in class that day and were considered that much more a benefit to society for it.

Anyway... I had to attend this stupid class because I've received 3 speeding tickets within a 2-year period. The fact that I've received these tickets should instead demonstrate, as a testimonial, the need to raise the speed limits on these roads. Obviously it's jealousy that motivates the people that make laws like this.

 The real story is that I happen to be a competent driver and can easily negotiate my motor vehicle safely at higher speeds than the idiots passing the laws do. I should be COMMENDED for this! Not reprimanded! They should be pulling my ass over and giving me fucking Gold Stars, maybe even a coupon for free long distance calling. How is it that I am chosen for ridicule and cruel and unusual punishment for this act? It would be different if I was driving recklessly or inconsiderately, but that is NOT the case. I was only driving FASTER. I haven't had an accident since I was 16, and if my dog wouldn't have gotten overly excited to be steering, I probably wouldn't have had one then! (It could also have had to do with the fact that a dachshunds legs are too short to do any meaningful hand over hand when they have to negotiate a turn over, say, 20 mph)

The idea that somebody has decided that I need to see, "Freddy Krueger Gets A Drivers License", gore films because I was traveling about 15 miles over the posted speed limit makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! They just threw me into this classroom with the same people that I always see waiting that 40-foot distance from the person operating an ATM machine. (Where did THAT rule come from anyway?)

It became clear to me now just what the Democrats in this country are barking about when they talk about mixing the murder convicts with the white-collar criminals. It's not even as if the people that really needed this class were even paying attention. The lady next to me was snoring so loudly I couldn't sleep.

I was packaged with guys that back into shopping carts. Sitting within inches of the very same people responsible for the scrapes on the poles at the McDonald's drive through. The guys that have to open the door and step out to send the vacuum cylinder back to the teller. These were the rejects of driving society, the idiots that don't understand that driving at speeds well under 30 mph can very easily cause their death; when I get out of the car and pummel them.

The next time you see the car in front of you SLOW DOWN as they merge into traffic from the exit to the highway or that guy that's in front of you, car drifting forward as he leans waist length out the window to get his food at the Roy Rogers...you PUMMEL him. "Excuse me sir, do you mind stepping out of the car? I need to slap you around a bit while I inquire as to what you were thinking back there!"

Go ahead, tell me you don't think this is a great idea. I'm not advocating really hurting anyone mind you, just some screaming and slapping. Of course you should give them the opportunity to relinquish their dashboard or something on the spot if they wish to avoid their pummeling. "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate your power seat controls; oh, and that ugly tree thing hanging from your mirror? I'll take that."

Listen, I'm not saying that everyone should be a speed demon either. Few people other than myself should be traveling at speeds above 75 mph, while eating a burger and trying to win concert tickets on the phone with a drink between their legs in a parking lot looking for a space and their eyeglasses in the glove compartment. And I happen to have a workable solution to this problem. Understand that reckless driving is a sickness and should be treated at the source. Remove the windshield. That's right, allow them to more easily understand the forces of nature. They will soon assimilate that at lower speeds, bugs don't become SO embedded in the skin that they can't be easily removed with cleaning fluid. Problem solved.

And while we're talking about cleaning fluid. Does anyone have any benzene anywhere near them right now? I don't mean in your grandparent’s garage or something, I mean can you actually get up and touch some benzene right now. Because what's the deal with those warnings that are on everything about cleaning things with benzene? These warnings fall out of new products like subscription cards from magazines. You can't purchase a product without warnings all over it about not cleaning the thing with "benzene or other harsh chemicals". What is this? I don't think I've ever even SEEN benzene sold anywhere. Is this some cleaner that I can only get on the street at 3am from some gone astray Amway guy? And what is it that you CAN use benzene for? I've also never come across any product EVER that said, "Whatever you do, Use only pure original benzene to clean this thing, we're not kidding..."